F that S!

12 12 2007

So I did this little thing to see what my blog would be rated and I’m quite displeased!  Only PG-13?  What kind of crazy talk is that?  Maybe I should say stuff like “boobs” and “whiskey” and “drunken sluts”.  But you see how I put those in quotation marks?  Those aren’t my words!  I don’t use such language!  Priss priss priss!  This story is about to change all that. 

Loverman works for a marvelous internet advertising agency, and they are very good to their employees.  Twice a year they throw big parties, take their sales guys to trade shows in NYC and San Francisco, all sorts of good things.  I was very much looking forward to this year’s Christmas party; all the guys who work for this company are nerdy and awkward in their own special way.  I’m not sure they’d deny that.  The wives and girlfriends, however, are AWESOME and I always have a good time with them.  Oh, and two of their super super gay boys, one only semi-spectacular gay boy with the BEST girl pal ever.  For some reason the party organizer decided that this year, there would be entertainment.  I’m not sure what he was thinking when he booked the dance troupe, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t “Ooh!  Itty bitty titties!  Deeelightful!”  But that’s what we had, and it was quite entertaining.  I am mostly convinced that more than half of the troupe members were not originally women.  All right. The evening progressed, I tossed back more vodka tonics than would prove later to be good for me, and had a gay old time talking with K, L, and J about which dancers we thought were doing a great job at passing, and which dancer had the most prominent package.  Towards the end of the show, the main entertainer (and I think she was the main entertainer because she shook her booty more feverishly than any of the others) waved to a man in the crowd and said “Come on up here, baby!  And bring your chair!”  And I, never having experienced a lap dance before, was reluctant to sit idly by and watch someone else enjoy the entertainment all on his own.  So I opened my big fat mouth and “Where’s MY lap dance?” came sauntering out.  Well.

“Come on, honey!  I don’t discriminate!”  So I grabbed my chair and joined co-worker and Dancer and sat happily down.  I spent the next thrilling four and a half minutes trying to determine the gender of my lap dancer.  Her bum was squishy when she sat on me, but her shoulders were broad AND she was wearing a wig.  I didn’t spank her, although now I think I should have and I regret the missed opportunity.  However, she did pull out the top of my party blouse to check out my rack, after which she announced “They’re fabulous!  And they’re real!”  Thanks!  Thanks, Victoria’s Secret, Secret Embrace Angels Bra with up-lift and separation!  The dance ended al too quickly and Dancer kissed my cheek.  She left a very big lipstick mark and I walked around with my cheek stuck out for the rest of the evening, bragging about my slutty encounter. 

The next day at work management herded everyone into the office and apologized for the entertainment.  Apparently Organizer truly had no idea what he had booked, and they were truly sorry if anyone, particularly anyone’s spouse, was offended.  Loverman piped up “Mine sure wasn’t!”

 
I can’t wait for next year’s party.  I’m bringing some fives, though. 

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20 responses

13 12 2007
Theresa

YOU ARE SO COOL!

13 12 2007
bezzie

Aw man, I’m so jealous. If we ever get back to Alaska, hubby owes me a lap dance at the Great Alaskan Bush Company.

13 12 2007
turtlegirl76

Ha! Now that’s a Christmas party! I wonder if the guy got reamed out before he held that meeting.

13 12 2007
Jo

Now, why don’t I ever get invited to parties like that?!!?

13 12 2007
weezalana

Suddenly, the lame restaurant buffet holiday parties I went to when I was in Corporata feel like Sunday School. Except for that one I can’t remember…

13 12 2007
chemgrrl

I hope you wrote down the name of that dance troupe. Cuz they’d be great fun at your reception!

13 12 2007
lauren

Oh my god that is awesome! I’m cracking up in the computer lab. hehe

13 12 2007
Lynnea

Wait til YOUR holiday party next year. Lots of cheerful, friendly older women wearing three dimensional holiday sweaters and talking about what they’re going to do with their week off. Probably potluck, and definitely no brazen hussies!

13 12 2007
LadyJayde

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s awesome!

And *almost* enough to make me wonder what would have happened if I’d spent the $40 to go to my company Christmas – er, Winter Holiday – party…

13 12 2007
TiFF

Reason no. 637,023 why I love you!!

14 12 2007
Penny Karma

Note to self: MUST GET A LAP DANCE

14 12 2007
krysten

omg, you totally PG’d this story down for the ravelry meet-up! LOL!! that is hysterical!

15 12 2007
Magatha

Note to self: Don’t ever get a lap dance. This is why I stopped doing drugs and drinking, too many literary experiences. 😉

However, I would have loved to see the reaction of Mr. Mag to this accidental entertainment. I am laughing my ass off just imagining it.

16 12 2007
Lis

The day we have that kind of entertainment at our office parties will be the day hell freezes over. Damn.

My blog’s a NC-17. Hmm.

16 12 2007
Ed

Everyone said what I wanted to say already. But I’ll settle for a….

YOU ROCK!

LMAO

16 12 2007
Batty

I don’t think we’ll be seeing that sort of entertainment at work. The HR department would have to work overtime to explain that one to our clients!

16 12 2007
Batty

…and more than half the staff. You rock!

6 01 2008
whoneedsgauge

that is hilarious. i don’t think I would have had the balls (which I don’t, so for females i’m not sure how that phrase works) to do what you did. But that’s great!

8 01 2008
Penny Karma

Dude, seriously… where are you?? I want to give you my Wii digits so I can kick your ass at online games ‘n shit.

22 02 2008
Brittany Newberry

THAT is funny!! I wanna come to your party with you this year!

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