In Which my Children Change Their Last Name to Baudelaire.

26 10 2007

Today it was made VERY clear to me that my children are going to grow up, leave me, and not need me to mother them any longer.  I wanted to die, and for a fleeting moment, and by “fleeting” I mean all fucking day, I’ve been on the brink of death over the shock this has caused me.

Here’s what happened: The school my kids go to is in desperate need of volunteers to help corral the children during lunch time.  So I did what any parent would do- I called the principal to bitch about their lousy lunch time routine and then volunteered to help.  My kids were mortified.  I was informed that I was not to hug them, kiss them, call them by any nickname, speak to their friends, speak to them, or even acknowledge the fact that I am their mother.  Doesn’t it sound like they HATE me?  I swear to god, my children, who I just yesterday was convinced love me more than they love anyone else, hate me.  And now I want to die all over again.

Ok, I’m back.  I was so upset that I was forced to go get a spoonful of peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough.  I glommed down one spoonful and then dunked my DIRTY SPOON back into the tub of dough.

So.  It is one thing to know that your children will one day grow up and leave you; it is another matter entirely when they start showing signs of not wanting your mothering skillz.  Which, ok, objectively is good!  Who wants to make out with their mother in front of a whole lunch room full of friends and classmates?  No one that I know, and especially not my children.  (Seriously, don’t even bother spazzing over that making out crack.)  Today it’s the lunchroom where I’m not welcome, when do they totally kick me out of their lives?  GAH!
My goal as a mother, and I think it’s a good one, is to raise my children to be self-sufficient, confident, independent human beings.  How do I avoid having my heart broken when I achieve that goal?  I know that dependence does not equal love, need does not equal love, but caring and nurturing equal love.  What do I do when they no longer need that from me?  They seem to be maturing just fine.  And I don’t want to spoil that for them.   I’m the one that’s a wreck.

So?  Help me out here, people.

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22 responses

27 10 2007
Theresa

But, but… just because they don’t want you smooching on them in public doesn’t mean they don’t want you smooching on them at HOME, right? You are a marvelous mother. Really, truly marvelous and they love you. They really really do. 🙂

27 10 2007
Miss T

Really, this sounds pretty normal. I’m sure I would have given my parents similar strict instructions, and I adored them. You could make a game out of it and you can all pretend to be spies and not know each other.

27 10 2007
lynnea

OK, so I’m totally the wrong person to be giving advice on this subject in particular. In fact, I’m counting on you to figure this out by the time B reaches middle school age so that you can counsel me. But, it does sound pretty normal. I think it’s all a big show, though. Wait til they forget an assignment or their lunch or want an extra treat with their lunch.

And they totally love you, and you know it.

27 10 2007
Mary

Coming from 7th Grade Teacher experience: Your kids love you, really. They are just completely and totally freaked out by what you as an unpredictable mom might do and then they will be suck geeks and un-cool that they are already living the drama before it actually happens. See, in a sense, you should take the amount of their freaking out to equal just how much they love you. If they didn’t? They wouldn’t say a word.

I never had enough chaperons (sp?) for a field trip because no 7th grader in their right drama-filled-oh-my-god-what-would-the-cool-kids-think mind volunteer to have their mom anywhere near them. And if the parents volunteered, I made sure that their child was never in their group.

So yeah, my advice is that you focus on the groups/classes/tables where your kids are not and they will get over their drama soon. Are there two lunch periods? Volunteer for the one where they are not. Once they get used to you being there, they’ll be fine.

27 10 2007
bezzie

And they’ll get used to it after a while. My mom was a school volunteer, and honestly I was pretty “whatever” about it one way or another. I don’t remember being overjoyed, but I wasn’t mortified either.

They’ll always love their mama, don’t worry.

27 10 2007
TiFF

Chloe and Nolan will always need care and nurturing from you! It may not always show, but no matter how old they are and where their lives take them and where yours takes you…. they’ll always love their mama!

27 10 2007
weezalana

Oh darling OLPP, they do so love you. They just can’t show it in front of their friends. See, their friends have to pretend they don’t like their parents either. It’s part of the kid code. You love your ‘rents at home, pretend they’re like a virus in front of your friends, go through typical teen angst where you think they’re out to get you, go to college, realize how freakin’ frackin’ awesome they are, how awesome they made you turn out, and become friends. All the while, even during the angsty part, you love them more than life itself. And, even though you try to hide it, you always, always know how much you need them, because moms make everything better.

28 10 2007
Batty

I distinctly remember that phase. I was embarrassed to have my parents drop me off at school, and it didn’t even involve them sticking around! It’s not you. They love you more than anyone else, but they don’t want their friends to know that they don’t act cool 24/7, that there is a side to them that wants to hug and cuddle and smooch their mommy. Which is funny, because pretty much all of their friends are faking coolness and lack of enthusiasm for mommy too.

28 10 2007
chemgrrl

You know how I’d deal with that? I’d run up to them in front of ALL their little friends and give them big hugs and smoochies and call them “honey” and “pompkin” and talk to them in baby talk and them maybe lick my napkin and wash their faces with it.

I can’t WAIT to have kids!

They still love you and you know it. Besides, them behaving this way means that you’re bringing them up to be actual decent human beings. If they still clung to you at this age, something would be wrong. So pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and wait for new baby that will want all the lovin’ that you can dish out.

28 10 2007
Magatha

I need a mom, if you want someone to baby. Let me know. 😉

29 10 2007
Jo

I don’t know what to say – Willow isn’t there yet. She’s only in kindergarten and is over the moon when I come into her class to volunteer. I know this will change…

29 10 2007
Ed

Yeah, what they said…

29 10 2007
Robin

How do you keep your heart from getting broken? By your teens turning into raving lunatics, that’s how. I firmly believe the the “teenage rebellion years” are built into humans to facilitate leaving the nest. In theory, if you cannot stand to look at one another, it should be easier to say goodbye than if you are deep in the throes of “I wub my babies so much smoochy smoochy!”

Lucky for me, my children are still young enough that most days I can avoid thinking about them growing up and leaving me. :*(

29 10 2007
Curran

I dont think you have anything to worry about until the mid to late teen years …then they’ll probably be relative strangers to you (no pun intended) but will eventually come around once they need to borrow money

29 10 2007
Magatha

My point was this, I’m 48 and I still need my Mom. Ebb and Flow, OLPP. Ebb and flow.

30 10 2007
Georgiann

Oh sweetie, your kids are just right, and so are you.
You are supposed to embarass them. They are supposed to be embarassed by you. It’s the circle of adolescent life.
Of course, you can use this to your advantage. If they are driving you crazy one day, you can threaten to take them to the grocery with you and buy several boxes of tampons. And toilet paper. There is nothing more embarassing to a teen/pre-teen that having to buy toilet paper.
Spoken by one who has been there and lived to tell the tale.

31 10 2007
Ed

Totally unrelated, I was going thru’ blogger play and camr across this and thought of you, PK and all the rest.
Again there is language barrier, for me at least.
Enjoy.
http://sukkasato.blogspot.com/2007/10/pinkit-balleristit.html

1 11 2007
tutleymutley

Don’t know what you’re worrying about – you’re still taxi, chief cook, bottlewasher, moneylender etc etc aren’t you? tiz a gradual weaning process.
DS left home as soon as he reached 18 – he moved back in again 6 months later – now that WAS a shock – just as me and DH had learnt how to speak to each other again! He’s gone again now, but he’s not too far away if he misses the bus, needs a loan, wants some apple pie. I love him really.

2 11 2007
Eryn

I am so looking forward to that stage – can you smell the sarcasm?

2 11 2007
Cheryl

A good man I dated about ten years ago gave me some child rearing advice that I’ve never forgotten: It’s your job to raise them to be adults, not children. So, even though they’ll always need you, it’s necessary for them to have the feelings that you’ve described. It’s also necessary for you to feel exactly the conflict that you do about it.
All is well!

2 11 2007
Knitting Bandit

When my son was twelve and ignoed me for the first time at lunch recess I told him, “Hey, Buddy. You don’t have to hug me, you don’t have to say hi. Shoot, you don’t even have to wave. Just give me a little nod or a quick wink to say hey. Just let me know you know I’m there.” Ya’ know, I was never ignored again. Now, I must admit, three years later, that same boy just went to his first “College Night”. He’s looking at a college probably 10 hours away in the cold, lonely corner of MIchigan’s U.P. I told him he was not allowed to date his entire 4 years up there because I didn’t want him falling in love with with a local girl and staying there and only seeing me a few times a year for the rest of his life. His answer? “Okay mom. Not a problem. It’s three guys to every girl up there.” Now I’m a happy camper! Is it too soon to fill out his application? He’s a sophmore–gotta plan ahead.

12 11 2007
Ed

Hello poppit, have you forgotten about us here in blogland?

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