Today it was made VERY clear to me that my children are going to grow up, leave me, and not need me to mother them any longer. I wanted to die, and for a fleeting moment, and by “fleeting” I mean all fucking day, I’ve been on the brink of death over the shock this has caused me.
Here’s what happened: The school my kids go to is in desperate need of volunteers to help corral the children during lunch time. So I did what any parent would do- I called the principal to bitch about their lousy lunch time routine and then volunteered to help. My kids were mortified. I was informed that I was not to hug them, kiss them, call them by any nickname, speak to their friends, speak to them, or even acknowledge the fact that I am their mother. Doesn’t it sound like they HATE me? I swear to god, my children, who I just yesterday was convinced love me more than they love anyone else, hate me. And now I want to die all over again.
Ok, I’m back. I was so upset that I was forced to go get a spoonful of peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough. I glommed down one spoonful and then dunked my DIRTY SPOON back into the tub of dough.
So. It is one thing to know that your children will one day grow up and leave you; it is another matter entirely when they start showing signs of not wanting your mothering skillz. Which, ok, objectively is good! Who wants to make out with their mother in front of a whole lunch room full of friends and classmates? No one that I know, and especially not my children. (Seriously, don’t even bother spazzing over that making out crack.) Today it’s the lunchroom where I’m not welcome, when do they totally kick me out of their lives? GAH!
My goal as a mother, and I think it’s a good one, is to raise my children to be self-sufficient, confident, independent human beings. How do I avoid having my heart broken when I achieve that goal? I know that dependence does not equal love, need does not equal love, but caring and nurturing equal love. What do I do when they no longer need that from me? They seem to be maturing just fine. And I don’t want to spoil that for them. I’m the one that’s a wreck.
So? Help me out here, people.