I Love Ross the Intern

30 04 2007


I love Ross the Intern. I wish I were his type. Actually, I’m being judgmental. I might be his type, but I have a sneaking suspicion I lack certain accoutrements that would inspire him to ring my bell. I’ve chosen him as my Celebrity Fit Club workout buddy. I guess that doesn’t really mean anything, seeing as how I’ll never meet the man and therefore have the opportunity to work out with him. UNLESS! Maybe he secretly reads my blog and will be so touched to hear that he’s inspired me that he’ll contact me and offer to come do my Boot Camp Couch to 5k routine with me for a day or two! Yeah yeah yeah! But check out how skinny he is already. Gah! Will he develop a haughty demeanor now that he looks like a super model? I hope not. I want to give a special hello to my sweet SillyRabbit, who has joined me in this particular brand of torture. Only 12 today, sweetness! Wahoo!! And now, knitting!

I don’t want to say this out loud, but I do think it bears mentioning. I’ve made much progress on my Icarus re-do and am nearing the point I was at when the whole thing fell apart. I’m not sure if it was the voodoo dolly kiss-up photo, the Seven Buddhas photo, or whispering to the yarn “I love you I love you I love you”, but it seems to be going much better now. Ok, there are two holes that I fixed by threading a snippet of yarn through and tying a knot, but you seriously can’t tell, and besides, it will be symbolic. Yes! Since this is going to be my wedding shawl it’s only proper that it has some glitches and fixes. I’m all about the symbolism, baby, and I’m all about trying to catch up to Theresa. And seriously, you can’t even tell. And if you can, I don’t want to hear it!

Check out how nicely everything is coordinated! Now all of the yarn for this shawl is kept in plastic bags in the black case, which was a Lancome freebie last year. I think I spent the GDP of Micronesia, so they gave me this case and another, smaller bag that actually holds make-up. Behind it is my consolation purchase that I got when the demonic jewelry store told me they had fixed my necklace and actually hadn’t, and when I asked for a replacement chain because the original had been damaged twice now, ok, this is not worth telling. Anyway, my new knitting bag! I LOVE it. Love it. Further evidence, by the way, that Theresa is exercising her mental powers of persuasion on me yet again. You’ll see that she is going through a black and white phase, and just for kicks is making me go through one, too. At least it’s not fuchsia (that’s a strange word to spell) and puce. That’s when I start wearing a tinfoil hat.


All right, I need to go walk briskly for 20 minutes, and then come home to do 12 sit-ups and push-ups. Saturday AND Sunday I did the run/walk thing and I wasn’t supposed to. Every other day. The good thing, though, is that muscles that have long lay dormant are now springing back to life and screaming at my insensitivity. Have a good day, everybody!

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

27 04 2007

So. When last I posted I whined about becoming outrageously plump. Maybe those weren’t my exact words, and some people might have missed my point because I made mention of my dalliances with the naked, sweaty Marine, but the time has come to get off my sadly rotund rump and do something for myself. How exactly did I get myself so fit while living in that dusty sand pit of a town? Why, it was nothing more than an extension of the actual, real live, I did indeed go through it, Navy boot camp. Here’s what it was: push ups, sit ups, and a 1.5 mile run every other day. Starting with the very first day, we had to do the number of sit ups and push ups that corresponded with the current training day, which was designated by the week and the day. For example, or, as I like to say, por ejemplo:

Week one, day one is the one-one training day. First week, first day. 1 1. Eleven. So on and so forth, through the end of the week, which would mean 17. Get it? So during the second week you’d start with 21. Second week, first day. And there we go! I know I cheated many many times with the push ups. Seriously, who can do 92 push ups? Not me. Not even then when I had Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider biceps. But I did do 92 sit ups when all was said and done. So that’s what I’m going to do, Training day count push ups and sit ups, and 1.5 miles every other day. I’m using the Couch to 5k method to get running, because seriously, everyone, it hurts to run when you have lovely lady humps. And by humps I mean a large ass.

Moving on!

I’m sure everyone, and by everyone I mean Theresa, is tired of hearing me whine about my Icarus and the trouble I’m having with it. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve started over on CHART ONE. If you’ve ever knit an Icarus you know how terribly easy chart one is to knit. I’m ashamed. Here he is in his current incarnation. I thought it best to pose him with my lucky bamboo and my Seven Buddhas, which we affectionately call the Seven Booties because Chloe’s friend misunderstood me.

Here’s the start of a pair of socks I’m knitting for my mentor teacher that I’ve been with this past semester. Beth has been great, and I adore her, absolutely adore her. I’ll be sad to leave her and her kids, I’ve had a great semester, but now I’m pretty sure I want to teach Jr. high and not full-on high school. I’m knitting her a little pair of ankle socks in Panda Cotton, which is actually mostly bamboo, then cotton, and some nylon. I like it. It’s good stuff! I emailed her and asked for her shoe size, but so far I’ve received no response. I wonder if she thinks that was an improper question. Maybe she thinks I’m flirting with her, trying to get a better evaluation. I’m not. Although it’s worth a shot.

There! I leave you with that. And I just want to give a shout-out (Heeeey-yah!) to my Fitter Knitters! I hug you all. And if you want to join, send me a comment and we’ll hook you up!

Oohh, Whoah, Witchey Woman

23 04 2007

Am I the only person who thinks that the judges LIE about the celebrities’ weight on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club? I’m sorry, but there’s no way that each of those women weigh less than 170. There’s just no way, unless they’re all very short. And I don’t think they are. Seriously. Way to make me feel like an ever CHUBBIER version of my once slender self. When I was at Goodfellow AFB 12 years ago for some Navy training I weighed in at 127 pounds, and I’m 5’7. I was a stick. I worked out all the time because in that sandy, dusty little pit of a town there was nothing to do but work out all the time, and sometimes, yes, that workout included a naked tumble with a very muscley Marine.

I’m sorry, where was I? Before the naked tumble part…

Ok, I’m back. Anyway, I worked out all the time and I was a stick. For my frame, yes, 127 pounds was a stick. I am in no way self-confident enough to tell you, lone reader, how much I weigh now, so let’s just leave it at this: more than 127.

I need to be on Celebrity Fit Club, but the only thing stopping me is my significant lack of fame. So let me ask you this: Does anyone want to do a Knit Blog Celebrity Fit Club with me? (I am in NO WAY suggesting my blog is well-known, except to those wacked out Nalbinders and Free Form Crocheters, and that’s infamy anyway.) I’m not sure how it would work, and there have been several attempts to get similar things going, I’m sure, but is this even remotely interesting to anyone? What do you think?

In knitting news, as I lamented earlier and elsewhere, posing your voodoo dolly/action figure with your new, beloved yarn might *seem* like a kicky idea at the time, but that shit works, man. I’ve frogged my Icarus so many times that the yarn is turning back into kelp and attempting a mad dash back to the sea from whence it came.

Oh! And PS!  Here’s a handy trick from the Domestic Overlord.  If you find that you’ve cursed your yarn with a voodoo dolly/action figure, simply appease the voodoo creature with cigarettes, money, sex, drugs, chocolate, booze, porn, whatever you have at your disposal.  I only had a few of the suggested items, and I photographed even fewer.  Here we are then.

How is everyone?

Go light a candle.

16 04 2007

I guess we could all use a little more light. It’s not as though these kids at Virginia Tech were crack dealers or rapists or arms smuggler. It doesn’t make sense. So little in life does, but this is in its own realm of horrible.  I can’t think of anything appropriate or meaningful enough to say.  My heart aches and I want lay down and cry.  

So go light a candle, ok?

We Are the Champions, My Friends!

13 04 2007

Nicely done, people!

The first time I had a blog contest I went about it in a lame way, and the people who “won” all got a really crappy prize because I a) wanted everyone to have a prize and b) didn’t have a billion dollars for a dozen or so nice prizes. I’m lame. But I’ve learned a lot in this short history of my blogging, and so it is with great happiness that I congratulate Camille on her stunning victory! Camille and Theresa were tied, and I pulled Camille’s name out of the two-person pile.

Hi, Camille! I’ll do my darnedest (Ha! Pun!) to find some Yarn Pirate Sock Yarn for you. On the off chance that this is one of those yarns that everyone loves and therefore buys as soon as it’s for sale, do you have a second choice? (Yeah, I just checked their esty shop… it’s quite bare! So #2?)

Seriously, y’all were SO close, I wish I a) still believed in lame prizes and b) had a billion dollars for nice prizes for everyone. Thank you all for playing!

PS- Yarn Pr0n!


And They Brought Me Their Comfort, and Later They Brought Me Their Song

8 04 2007




Here are the players so far. If your name is not here, please let me know. The WordPress Spam Hatchet sometimes gets a bit carried away.













**UPDATE!** Six entries so far! Come on, people! You don’t want someone else to run away with the prize, doooooo yoooooooooouuuu?


So I had this 100th post contest all planned out. But somehow WordPress uses a different counting method than I do, so I’m a bit off. In any case! Hooray, 100th post! I’ve been at this a little less than a year, so that averages out to a not quite one every other day. Dang but I talk a lot!

In addition to seemingly ceaseless babble, I also enjoy me some good music. Sprinkled here and there, starting with the November 13th post, there have been little bits of songs used as post titles. From the moment I hit “publish” until noon on Friday, April 13th, I’ll be taking contest entries. Please give me the name of the recording artist/group and song title from *each* post title. I’ll be moderating comments, so everyone has an equal shot here. I’ll hold off publishing comments until Friday so you won’t be giving each other hints. Whoever has the highest number of correct answers is the Grand Prize Winner! In the case of a tie (and I’m sure there will be many, seeing as how Google rules the universe and all) I’ll draw a name at random and announce the winner this weekend!

Not all post titles are song snippets! Some are just plain old words. And it is possible to have more than one correct artist/group name. This next part is important, so make sure you include it with your answer:

What’s one yarn you’ve always wanted to try but never have? Put that in with your answer. Please. Yes.

I love knit blogs. I spend so much time on knit blogs, far more than I spend actual knitting time. I’ve become acquainted with many many wonderful, talented, sweet, caring people. Knitters rule! (Crocheters drool!) (Just kidding. Sort of. No, I’m kidding.) Learning to knit has been one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself. I love yarn, I love to look at it, smoosh it against my (clean!) cheek, pile it in a gigantic, pretty bowl, or into a huge basket. I don’t like to have a huge stash, though, because I feel it mocking me. “Just one more thing to add to the list of Things Not Done! Slacker!” But alas, I still love knitting.

Now, seeing as how JungleJim has stepped up the level of wedding parts, including such phrases as “Let’s get married in Sedona” and “So this is the ring you want?” and my favorite “Let’s have a chocolate wedding cake!” (with croquembouche!) I’m sure the frequency of wedding posts will soon out-pace the frequency of yarn and knitting posts. And that will probably get old, so I’ll try to tame it. I’m sure you’re not reading this. I’m sure you’re already checking for song titles.

Seriously. Title, artist, yarn you’ve always wanted to try.

That’s all! You have until Friday the 13th ! Surely a lucky day for someone!



In My Life, Oh, Why Do I Give Valuable Time?

5 04 2007

Greetings! I hope you’re all well. I have been oh so busy, but life is good!

This afternoon was the funeral I envisioned for my ex-mother-in-law last Saturday morning, a vision which flashed through my pretty little head a full THIRTEEN HOURS before she unexpectedly collapsed and DIED while watching her son (my ex-husband) play a rugby match. In other words, for no reason in particular I thought about her funeral. Several hours later she was dead. Slowly, now, let that sink in.

Yes. Like He-Man used to bellow, I have the POWER!

I’d like now to turn our attention to some (rhymes with wahoo) nalbinding group members who are in a bit of a tizzy about my Fong pattern. I’ve come up with a visual aid to help you get out of the tizzy and onto more important things. Such as the fact that many people think nalbinding involves the swift and forceful insertion of rusty nails under the toenails of unsuspecting victims. Where were we? Ah yes, the visual aid. Thank you, Bezzie, for the inspiration! (SEE? I always mention my source of inspiration, unless there isn’t a source because then I’d just be talking to myself and seriously, people, I’m not the crazy one around here.)

Ready, all you agitated (rhymes with wahoo) nalbinders?

Regia’s Footsies pattern is to a Panty Girdle as OLPP’s Fong pattern is to a sexy, sassy thong.


Panty girdle:


Sexy, sassy thong:

See? I hope this has cleared things up for you. Several days ago I noticed quite a few hits on my blog stats from this (rhymes with wahoo) nalbinding group. So I checked them out to read what they were saying. Sure enough, those goofy nalbinders were all a-twitter about the strange resemblance between my Fong and Regia’s Footsies pattern. (This pattern, by the way, was written in German, a language I neither speak, nor read, nor write.) I didn’t care enough to join the group and alert them to their foolishness and really, I was happy to let it go at that. But then one of the group members sent me this little note: “If you join the Nalbinding (OLPP’s edit: rhymes with wahoo) group and go to message 1932, you’ll see a different version of the fong (they call it a “footsie”) that you might want to check out.”

No, Susan P, that’s not a different version of my Fong. That’s like saying a shrug is a different version of a sweater vest. But my Fong is not a different version of Footsies, either. That would mean that I took inspiration from that pattern, and since I neither speak German nor belong to your (rhymes with wahoo) nalbinding group, the chances of my having seen, read, and ripped off the pattern are extraordinarily slim. Infinitesimally so. (That means I hadn’t seen it before, so, all you haters, I couldn’t have plagiarized.)

I wonder if these (rhymes with wahoo) nalbinder group members are similarly incensed every time a new sweater or sock pattern is published. After all, once upon a time the very first ever sweater was knitted. And socks, too, socks are old. Scarves as well! Do you all strike up a slightly snippy conversation every time someone puts up a new, FREE, scarf pattern? Come on. Lighten up already. It’s not like I said “I’ve created a device which will allow you suck up liquid beverages out of a glass without picking up the glass it’s in, and I call it a STRAW! Buy yours here!!”

I’m glad I was able to clear this up for you. Remember: Regia’s Footsies = Panty Girdle, and OLPP’s Fong = sexy, sassy thong. By they way- that thong you see up there is available for purchase at Bobo’s House of Chicken Porn. Now serving Hush, puppies!

Now I bid you good day. Oh, and I keep forgetting- this weekend I’ll post the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT for my 100th post contest! And this one is going to be GOOD, so stay tuned! (Ah, a hint already!)