We’re Not Scare-Mongering, This is Really Happening!

29 03 2007

People have been searching blogs for some weird-ass stuff lately, and when I say weird-ass, yes, I do unfortunately mean ass.

Well, other stuff too, but ew. Ever since that unfortunate nostril pimple incident there have been many people suffering a similar plight. I’m sure you’ll all be happy to know that the hair in fact did NOT get turned around and begin growing out the top of my nose. Whatever it was went away, so no, I don’t have nose cancer, nose herpes, ingrown nose hairs, or any other sort of nose unpleasantness. Except for super gunky nostrils when I wake up. But really, you’re not here for that.

My son wears nightgowns.” Someone was searching for that and landed on my humble blog. Really, though, what could be the question here? I prefer to believe that this was a parent seeking stories of how other parents behaved when they encountered something similar, and not some gross internet perv who likes at look at children in their sleepwear.

Ok. I’ll now tell you what to do. Here it is, everyone. If your son wears nightgowns, make sure they’re the flame-retardant kind. That’s the only concern you need to have. And now I’ve walked you through it! Ain’t life grand? No need to thank me. Or, ok, yes, here’s how you can thank me: knit a Fong and email me a picture of it!

I read this just a few minutes ago and it made me so sad. The way this country treats gay people is absolutely shameful. Inarguably so. People want to protect the “sanctity” of marriage and think that banning gay marriage is the way to do it? I invite those folks to take a deeeep look into my disastrous marriage to SH and tell me what was so sacramental about that steaming mess. If ANYONE should be refused the right to marry, it is SH (I was his second wife). It simply makes no sense to me. And it makes me so sad that we treat people this way.

Well. One of these days we’ll look on this the way we now look upon separate drinking fountains, and people being forced to sit in the back of the bus, separate entrances to buildings and other such ridiculous things. We’ll wonder who could possibly think this, a ban on gay marriage, was a good idea, we’ll wonder where this ridiculousness came from, and why it was allowed to go on for such a long time. I hope so.

I’m bringing myself down, and although my social conscience is in pain over this, it won’t keep me from marrying JungleJim.

Next! The Porn Squirrel is back. He’s there in the crotch of the tree (porn and crotch in the same post! Egads.) which is not his favorite haunt, believe you me. He prefers to stretch out across my patio, playing with himself while gazing longingly through the patio door at me . If I listen very carefully I can hear him chirping “Let’s Get It On” and it frightens me so.

 

In yarny porny news, here’s some fantastic sock yarn that my sweet Linnea sent to me! The label is in German, but I’ll reach back through my ancestral memory and translate. Here goes: “Unser Geheimnis is the good quality! The use is actually Farben, harmoniously combined with a million fibers to make sport, and strumpwool, programmed into rodel wool!” And then it goes into a bit about problems with green lungs in the washing machine, that this yarn is guaranteed to be fuzz free, and that it will dry overnight. I love it! I can’t wait to knit me some socks! I have Sensational Knitted Socks from my adorable and adored SP9 secret pal, and I can’t get enough of it! So Linnea, thank you. The school supplies are awesome, and the chocolate was too but you know it’s gone already.

Well, that’s it for today. Watch out for squirrels. Buy your sons and daughters flame-retardant nightgowns. Vote no on a gay marriage ban. Oh, and also vote to increase teachers’ salaries, ok?

PS: I’m quickly approaching my 100th post. I’m gearing up for a super excellent contest, so stay tuned.

 

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Let Me See Your Fong!

14 03 2007

 

Summertime is upon us here in the Valley of the Sun! It’s time to have a pedicure and go shopping for some new flip flops! When I was a kid I hated getting new flip flops (we called them thongs, but I can’t help but think of butt-floss whenever I hear the word). The skin between my first two toes was tender and weak from being safely ensconced in layers of wool socks and snow boots. The plastic part that connected the rubber sole to the straps always rubbed a raw spot between my toes. Why did it take me 32 years to come up with a more fashionable solution than a Band-Aid? Who knows, but thank Petes I did!

 

A Google search resulted in many results for a foot thong, and none of them were what I wanted. A short conversation with some of the wonderful chatters in the old faithful Knitty chat proved helpful, but nothing was quite what I wanted. I’m not a pattern writer by any stretch of even the most flexible imagination. This is only a very basic recipe which will hopefully be taken to higher heights by more experienced, less math-phobic (Happy Pi day!) knitters than I. But I hope you like it!

 

The Fong! (It’s a foot thong!)

 

Materials:

I used Regia Bambou in a color whose name I cannot find.

Needles: bamboo (are we sensing a trend?) DPNs, US 2.

tapestry needle for weaving in ends

Pedicure (you see our model Chloe needs a pedicure!)

 

Cast on 64 stitches, divided 22, 22, 20 on three needles. Join, being thoughtless and devil-may-care about the twisting thing. A twist might prove to be uncomfortable, though. Since this is a short item, I recommend you join by slipping the first stitch on the first needle back over the last stitch on the third needle, and then placing that last stitch on the third needle onto the position of first stitch on the first needle. This will shrink what I like to call the stretch mark in the first few rounds.

So you’ve cast on and joined your stitches! Now continue in a k2 p2 rib for about half an inch. Then switch to stockinette until the Fong is long enough to cover the ball of your foot and end just before your toe cleavage shows.

Are we there yet? Ok, here’s the tricky part. Bind off the first eight stitches of needle 1. Leave the next five stitches on the needle and float your yarn behind them. With a new needle, continue binding off the rest of the stitches through the rest of needle one and all of needle two. Continue binding off until you reach the last thirteen stitches of needle three. Move the next five stitches to a new needle, float the yarn behind these five, and bind off the remaining eight stitches. Snip the end of the yarn and leave it dangling until it’s time to weave in the ends.

When I did this, I had six stitches on each remaining needle: the last from binding off, and the five that I’d moved to the spare needle. Perhaps there’s a better way to manage this, but at this point in my knitting career I don’t know what that might be. So take up your yarn again and begin knitting the stitches on the first needle, again in stockinette stitch. Knit until this piece is long enough to connect the front and back of the Fong with no pulling or stretching. Line up the two needles, join the stitches and bind off with the kitchener stitch, 3-needle bind off, or whatever ‘I’m done with this thing!” method you prefer. Voila! You may now wear your new flip flops without danger of injury! Hooray, Fong!

 

 





violently happy, i’ll get into trouble

14 03 2007

Seriously, three posts in three days? What’s wrong with me?

I’ll tell ya. I’m on Spring Break. Life is pretty good when you’re staring down the last four months of 32 and you still get a Spring Break. So here is the sock yarn porn I mentioned yesterday in what is the shortest post ever. By me, that is.

The Jitterbug is going to be a surprise for JungleJim. The other night he mentioned getting me a five-carat diamond engagement ring. Yes, that was sass, who are we? The Jolie-Pitts? No, but dang, if ever in the world there was a beautiful couple, they are surely it. Usually when we talk about getting married it’s because I bring it up, and it’s always a pleasant conversation, but it gets old after a while. As my man sang, a little less conversation, a little more action, baby! However, I have weirdness when it comes to getting engaged and being married. This actually doesn’t count as being married, but the first time I got married it was to my children’s father. I was sitting in our kitchen in our out-in-the-country house in Rota, Spain, feeding Chloe some sort of breakfast. I was six months pregnant or so with Nolan and enjoying a huge gooey sticky frostingy goodness cinnamon roll when SH knelt down beside me and said something along the lines of he was finally ready to marry me and would I marry him. I laughed. A chunk of chewed-up cinnamon roll flopped out of my mouth as I snorted. Seriously. What kind of proposal is that? Not a very good one, and nine months (six after we got married) later he was doing the naked slidey dance with his best friend’s new sister-in-law. So you see, I’ve never had a proper proposal and have never really been married. I want to know that JungleJim wants me for me, that he wants a life with me because he loves me, not because we have two kids together. You know what’s nice, though? At this point in our relationship my kids call JungleJim “Dad”, so sure, we have two kids together! So there we were talking about huge diamond rings and I said at this point I’d settle for .000003 carats, although he’d better hurry up before I ran out of patience and took care of proposing myself. JungleJim didn’t like that idea. That’s good, because I didn’t, either! And whaaaaaaaat does this have to do with yarn? I shall tell you, and I shall tell you right now.

I’m going to knit him some engagement socks! That’s right, engagement socks. He should have something, right? And it will take me as long to knit those socks as it did for the diamond in my future ring to be formed, so it all works out in the end.

I’ll never be a good yarnographer like this lucky woman’s husband, but that’s ok.

Colinette Jittrebug Copperbeech.

 

 

I don’t have a long story to go with this yarn. But no, these will not be socks. These are a special project for my Chloe girl, and when I’m done with them I’ll put up pictures and the patter. I can’t wait! I hope they’re cool. They might be really dumb. I’m bummed out the colors are so dark. It’s much more vibrant and pink in person!

 

That’s that! What’s new with you?





These Five Words I Swear to You

13 03 2007

Colinette Jitterbug- Copperbeech

Regia Bamboo

 

(Pictures tomorrow when the early morning sun is the most flattering.)





And When the World is Through With Us, We’ll Have Each Other’s Arms

12 03 2007

I fall in and out of love rather easily. Very easily, I’d say. I have a heart that is at once the size of the African continent and cold as the un-planet Pluto. Last year I fell in love with knitting. And I still love her. I also fell in love with all things knitting-related: wonderful yarns, all sorts of needles, books, magazines, notions, all the accouterments and trappings of a new love. I also fell in love with other people who had fallen in love with knitting. I fell in love with a message board through with they frequently professed their love AND discussed everything else under the sun. But now I think, am I a solitary creature? Am I fickle? Do I perhaps lack a certain maturity to live and let live? I don’t think so. I’ve simply fallen out of love. I have nothing left to give, and so many others do. Things come out the wrong way, I lack the patience to defend or listen to another’s defense. As my best friend Thom Yorke sings, “my thoughts are misguided, I’m a little naïve.”

Is that my way of saying I don’t want to play anymore? I suppose. Can I be a knitting island and still hope to have a penpalship going on? I guess I’ll find out. But just so you know, you’ve written and I do love you!

Speaking of! Here’s a future sock.

Stats: STR Fire on The Mountain, the prize I won from Cara!

Needles: size 2 Clover DPNs

Pattern: Broadripple from Knitty! Seriously, is there any better pattern for this yarn? I think not. The name, the colors, it’s perfect! I was going to say kismet, but I’m not sure what that is exactly, and that reminds me that I need to Google the Southwest Gestalt Center that I pass every once in a while. I’ve got no idea what that place is or does. Anyway, a future sock.  I swear, that might be the best picture I’ve ever taken.  It’s as though I could TOUCH that sock.  Even though I can….

Here is the baby bag for J’s sister’s baby! I know baby bag is not its official name, but J calls it a baby bag and I’m such a lemming, I will, too.

Stats: Brown Sheep Co.’s Cotton Fleece

Needles: KPO size 6 circs

Pattern: Apple form MagKnits

It’s quite soft, and I think it will be great for a D.C.-area baby come November time when she or he is due to arrive! Val assures me that Cotton Fleece is machine washable despite the caution urged by the label, which is good because I cannot imagine anyone these days putting to repeated use a baby item that had to be hand washed.

School is school. Keeping my very busy. I subbed last week and it was pure hell. I tell you what, if you think you’re just a few good deeds shy of admittance through the pearly gates, spend a few days as a substitute high school teacher. In Phoenix.

 

Batty! When you read this, let me know if you’d like that messenger bag I made. It’s still sitting in my drawer. I’d be very happy to send it to you if you think you’d be able to use it, or make it into something else. I know you liked the fabric, so let me know!

I hope you all are well. Thank you for reading.





Like That, Another One, Babe!

2 03 2007

One several freaky occasions, someone has been blog searching for “his gay freckles blog”, or, alternately, “his freckles blog gay.” Don’t ask me. Once I said something about Nolan’s freckles, but considering the number of ladies he’s set out to woo (and he’s only 8, go li’l pimp!) I don’t think he’s gay. Remind me to tell you about his Valentine’s Day. Anyway.

Sometimes people are searching for very funny things- “the dirt on floyd’s baby momma” this evening. I love Floyd Landis and was greatly upset by the crime perpetrated against him after his fantastic win at last year’s Tour de France. (I CANNOT wait for this year’s race!) Also there was a search for “Joaquin Phoenix wrong with body” and I am here to tell you there is nothing wrong with Joaquin Phoenix’s body! I do admit to being somewhat taken aback by “older lady escorts”, but what’cha gonna do? Everybody loves to be loved.

This week has sucked rather a lot. My sister has flipped out. I have PMS. I’m overwhelmed with school, but in a good way. Or at least an “I’m doing a good job and have every intention of seeing this through to becoming a legendary high school English teacher” way. Still, though, it’s been a hard week. So imagine, if you will, my supreme happiness at seeing this in the search engine hits box: “I am in love with my pen pal.”

Imagine that! It’s like Cyrano de Bergerac, but with less French. C’est comme Cyrano de Bergerac, mais avec moins de Francais. When was the last time you actually wrote a letter? Not an email, not a quick note, not a little card, but a real live sit down with your lovely stationery and favorite pen. By the way, I’m a wretch when it comes to lovely stationery. If I don’t like how I’ve written a letter, or a word is written all large and sloppy, I have to tear up the paper and start all over again. Can you imagine me loose in Papyrus? Yeah. So there you sit holding your wonderful pen with which you can write just so, actually writing a letter to a pen pal! A person to whom you only write letters. No phone calls, no instant or text messaging. No emails, only hand-written letters. Love letters, no less. Since you are in love with your pen pal.

I would fall in love with you if you wrote letters to me, if you wrote on lovely stationery with your favorite pen. I’d love you more than I do now. So take heart, hapless blog searcher. If you are in love with your pen pal, persist in writing lovely letters.

Please write to let me know what happens. And then you shall have another pen pal to love!

I am in love with my pen pal.