I don’t have the time to tell these stories. Really, I don’t. But I can’t help it.
When I was in the Navy stationed at lovely NSGA, Rota, I had the dubious pleasure of, on a number of occasions, escorting Luis. Silent S. What that means is that I had to follow Luis around while he cleaned the bathrooms. He had a routine, he did, and I shall share it with you.
Luis dipped his three-stranded mop into the toilet (!!!), which counts as cleaning the toilet, and then sloshed TOILET WATER back and forth over the floor with his three-stranded mop. A heavy dosing of military-approved air freshener and we were off! Why did I have to escort Luis? Couldn’t he have been left to slosh toilet water all by his lonesome? Nah. We worked, you see, in a secure facility which means that anyone who wasn’t cleared to be there couldn’t be there without an escort. I’m not sure if Luis cared about the classified things going on in there. Certainly he caught snippets from time to time, perhaps more than snippets. Again, I don’t know. Luis had hairs growing out of the TOP of his nose, nose hairs that got misdirected and, instead of floating languidly in his nose-breeze, wiggled madly from the top of his snout. Picture that. Take as long as you need.
I share this story because unfortunately, I had a small, icky pimple inside my nostril this morning. I was quite alarmed because a) it hurt and b) who gets pimples INSIDE their nostrils? I Googled. Wouldn’t you? I learned that sometimes nosehairs can become ingrown and actually get SO turned around that they grow out of the top of your nose. Time that should have been spent studying for my exam later this evening has been wasted now on imagining my life with misdirected nosehair. Would I pluck? How much would that hurt, because your nostrils are nothing if not rife with nerve endings and little, fragile capillaries. How long would I have to let it grow in order to establish a sufficient fingertip or tweezer grip? Would it be like when those women on Dr. 90210 are having the drains removed from their breast implants and you think it will be a quick sllllip and it’s out, but it really takes about four long seconds? This misdirected nosehair has really made an impression on me. And yes, I am completely grossed out by this, but my hope is that by sharing I can let it go.